Mistake #1: Taking me to IHOP and letting me "go crazy" on the menu. I asked the waiter what the most bacon-tastic thing on the menu was, and he replied that the bacon omelette was pretty much amazing. I had that. With extra bacon. Two times extra bacon. It was like a bacon-gasm. Even the egg and cheese tasted like bacon. It was just too great. Not to mention a small order of hash browns and 4 diet cokes. I'm still a bit dizzy from the whole situation.
Mistake #2: Taking me anywhere after that. I was wired. That's when I made the most amazing discovery ever... today... so far.
There you have it folks, the one dollar "Police Squad" playset from Sav-a-lot. This bad boy has EVERYTHING!
From a genuine Police brutality ACTION BACKDROP...
To these little fella's, who I have affectionately named Dave the friendly police officer and Larry the Black-Ops agent.
Dave and Larry needed a bit of scenery. Luckily, the one dollar police squad playset comes complete with.... a PALM TREE!
...And whatever the hell this thing is. I think it's either a sad little tree, or some for of... green fire geyser.
And let's not forget the ever popular "knee-high barbed wire fence that anyone could easily step over".
And let's not forget the most important piece of scenery, the reason that Dave and Larry even have a job. Old Glory. The red, white, and more white. Proudly flying atop it's thin, chinese made flagpole, sporting it's one blazon star and our country's motto: "MVP", which of course, stands for "Most Valuable... Plastic... Police... Squad."
And then we get to the accessories. I don't think it's very fair that one dude gets a gun and the other gets a knife, but oh well, let's get these boys suited up and ready for battle!
Then I noticed a fatal flaw in the design. You know, besides all the obvious flaws that you've already noticed, like their heads being infinitely smaller than their bodies and stuff. These dudes' hands are hideously malformed! Neither the gun OR the knife would fit in any hand I tried them in.
...So, I improvised. Ah, duct tape, the old American standby. As you can see, Dave is holding the gun like a straight up gangsta.
That's when I discovered the true meaning of that strange green fire tree. It wasn't a tree or geyser at all! It was in fact a MAGICAL FIRE SPELL that Dave cast forth from his magical gangsta gun!
Things weren't looking good for Larry, so I introduced the final (and most awesome) accessory. The FLAMEPROOP SHIELD! Yeah, that's right. Flameproop. Yes, it came like that. Ah, good ole' Chinese industry and know-how.
Larry's flameproop shield proved well against the magical flames.
...and then, Larry stabbed Dave to death.
It was all over then folks. And I think that's it for me... that bacon's finally starting to kick in. That and the lack of sleep. Ugh... my body hates me.
Tune in next time, when I order the Mega Chili Meal from Steak and Shake and buy the Dollar General Ninja playset!
Until then,
-Thorny
